Debo/quiero aprender otro idioma

I spent pretty much the whole day with my friend's family recently. It was her wedding day and she asked me to help out. It was exhausting, yet fun. Her family is also Mexican. They're thoroughly American, but a significant portion of the day's conversation was in Spanish. I wasn't the only non-family there but I was pretty much the only who couldn't conversate in Spanish. I never felt left out and by the end of the day my speaking cadence had changed to somewhat more match theirs. At the same time I really felt that I should be able to speak Spanish. Both my parents speak Spanish fluently and I've always felt a little gypped that they didn't teach me. In high school I chose to take French, parce que je voulais être différente. A little of it has stuck with me, but really I only know the basics, can read it a bit, and know how to pronounce things. I guess I passed up on a chance there without even knowing what I was missing. I also believe I really took for granted that I would learn a language on my mission, but of course I was sent to England. So here I am with little multilingual experience, surrounded by friends and family with multiple language skills, and not equally equipped. I maybe haven't had as great a drive as some or the forced opportunity, but I have the capability I believe. I've certainly thought about it, but haven't acted upon it. Or known how really.

Besides picking up Spanish or getting back into French —

Θα ήθελα πολύ να μάθουν ελληνικά.

كما أنني فكرت في تعلم اللغة العربية أو الفارسية

या मैं हिंदी या उर्दू सीख सकते हैं

I should probably stick with a Romantic language at first, but it would be really cool to learn another alphabet. For now I don't see any big changes I could make, but it will always be on my mind. Eventually I'll need to find a way to make some big moves on this. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

(See the Google Translate link to the right if you can't read Spanish, French, or the other three languages. Yes I know what they are, but I'm not telling you.)

Focus, focus, focus...

I had the most difficult time getting myself to finish a take-home midterm recently. All together, it probably took me around 6 hours to complete. But those 6 hours were spread out over 24. It took me hours just to get myself going in the first place. Then I couldn't get myself to focus and write for long periods of time. Work came in spurts and bursts. I knew how important this was and that late work was not acceptable, so I forced myself to finish it. I kept myself up until indecent hours to ensure I did the work in time. I ended up getting around 3 hours of sleep (between 6 and 9 am) and then polished off the writing, ate a little and went to my first class that started at noon.

«That's just ridiculous! Late-nighters are a part of college life, but the time was there to get the work done in a reasonable time.»

Don't I know it. I couldn't (or wouldn't, maybe) focus on the task at hand. I found all sorts of things to distract me and occupy my valuable time. I've always had trouble getting started writing and at least I liked the subject I was working on (social movements and social change). It's getting pretty ridiculous and maybe I'm being to lax with myself. Or it's the fact that I graduate in May, have senior-itis, and just want to done with it all. (Maybe.) I'll need to deal with this in some way, because in the Real World ™ I'll need to work on finishing tasks in a timely matter that I maybe don't like or that don't intrinsically motivate me.

«What to do?»

On that note, I think I'm gonna be looking into meditation to help clear my mind and develop better focus. Not to go all hard core, but dabble in it a bit to complement what I already have going. I need to spend less time thinking about the past and the future, and deal with what's right in front of me. I think there will lots of benefit for me in using meditation.

To and Fro

I still debate with myself how much I want to post here.

«Back and forth. Back and forth.»

I actually feel like I could be repeating myself.

«...repeating myself.»

... Anyway, I want to post regularly and about what's going on, but I totally believe in self-censure and I don't want to broadcast stuff that is too personal or negative. Yet, I still want to, for lack of a better phrase, "keep it real." Sometimes I get in moods that will pass over like bad weather and I don't want that to unnecessarily color a post. I hesitate to post then, but at the same time I want all sides to be shown; I don't want to pretend like there is only good and happy stuff going on. I want to realistic and positive, too.

«Aren't you demanding.»

So I'm still figuring it all out. I think my last post was true to what I want (as far as it comes to not hiding reality, but still trying to be optimistic, some). Giving things a positive spin, or focusing on what is good and right in what's going on is what I want. Building a vision of possibilities, not of deficits; seeing the right answers. That is what I'll be trying to do.

*growl*

I got really angry recently. I don't like getting that angry. It tends to make me more frustrated and creates a vicious cycle. What made it worse to me is that the causes of my anger (actually something I'd done) didn't seem to matter to anyone around.

«Making you more upset.»

Yes. When I screw up I'd like it to matter to someone. Same with anything that upsets me. It also makes it difficult for me when I want to make amends and there's no one with whom to make up with or apologize. The only one who seemed to care or be affected by the situation was me! What am I to do then?

«Wallow in self-pity?»

And for about 12 hrs that's kind of what I did. (That is what I did. No kinda about it.) What I realized (or God knocked into my head) is that, first, failure is gonna happen. It happens to everyone. Accept that and learn from it. Second, my pouting is really kinda stupid and it's only hurting me. I need to forgive myself (something I'm not good at) and even apologize to myself (or the equivalent), also to God. My anger and resulting behavior belittled me. It wasn't a big thing and I should have not let it become one. I am going to get angry and frustrated again, over stupid things. I just need to not allow myself to let that disrupt my life, find the outlets I need and make the turn-around quicker. (Though I guess 12 hrs ain't that bad. What's important is that it bothered me and I want to fix it.)

Hmmmm...

My posts don't seem to turn out the way I expect them to. Whatever's in my head seems to change when I write it down, or it develops in a different way as I write it, or something. Idk. I don't know what I should do about that, or even if I should do anything. Oh well. For now it's just an observation on my part. Maybe a bit of disapointment too....

No neon signs, or Bright lights

I guess I've come to terms with the concept that it's not coming all at once. If I haven't already, I will pretty soon.
I really like being in control and knowing what is next. I like having and making a plan. It brings me comfort to have things laid out and it's exciting to think about the future. Unfortunately I seem to have come to the end of the line. I graduate in May and I really have no idea what I'm gonna do next. My life approaches the threshold, and I don't know what's next!

People sure like to ask, "What are you going to do after school?" to any student. It frustrated me that I have never really known, but I could always say I had time to figure it out; times now run out. I learned to throw out some general fields or areas that did interest me; I still have no idea where I'll end up. Later I was able to use graduate school as a good answer; that's not going to happen. With this economy it means there are too many people competing for too few spots. I'm good, but there's plenty more who are better.

I've run through a few other ideas and possibilities (Peace Corps, AmeriCorps -like stuff) and tried to keep contigency plans, but nothing has panned out or really seemed right. I haven't given up, but I was really hoping I'd have a clearer idea of where I was going and what I needed to be doing by now. I've certainly made it a serious matter of refelction, prayer, fasting, study, etc.

«And where has that gotten you?»

So like I said before I kind of have to accept that I'm not going to get my answer all at once. I've been learning (or re-learning) that sometimes the Lord's guidance won't come in a big lump. Actually more often than not we get it bit by bit, from time to time here, a little and there a little. We act on what we know, do as we know best, move in the direction we've been shown until we learn more and are instructed different. (So many scriptures, quotes, and talks from General Authorities flood my mind as I think about this.) Sometimes when we get more revelation we learn the why of what we were doing, other times we are told need to make a flight correction, but always, if we had been faithful, we find we were being prepared for whatever came next. The hard part is moving forward with incomplete information, uncertainty, and ambiguity. (3 things I'm not really a fan of. Mais, c'est la vie.)

«So where does that leave you for now?»

I've had the impression that getting a job and going to work is where I'll be heading. I need a part time job now, too, but I mean full-time work after graduation. Even then I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll be doing. I'll be figuring it out over time. I'm also making more of an effort to seek for and follow the little promptings I get. It'll all add up, I'm sure.

I must confess: I am a junkie

(And by "junkie" I mean news junkie.)
There isn't a day that goes by where I can't help but check the news in some fashion. Even when I was younger I would read through the news paper. Mostly I'd check out headlines, but I'd read full articles that caught my interest. I always wanted to be up-to-date with current events, world news, national events and local happenings. I'm still the same way, but now use the newspaper less and check out news sites constantly. Practically the only reason I still go to Yahoo! is because news headlines are on the front page. Not really the best reason, especially because they post a lot of entertainment news (maybe a guilty little secret of mine...or not) and they post a lot of videos. I really prefer to read my news. Articles often are more in depth and I like being able to jump back and forth at will.

«So you're pretty on top of what's going on then.»

Actually, I'm a bit of a lazy news-junkie. Besides Yahoo! I only regularly check about 3 news sites: CNN, BBC and Al Jazeera. (Permanent links for 2 of them on the side. Guess which one is Al Jazeera.) I used to check the NY Times more regularly, but they keep on making very public screw ups with their reporting and they want me to register with them. (bleh) They do have good interactive graphics and I still will check them from time to time. There are so many sites I should check to get a more well rounded news outlook. I am pretty good for an international perspective, but not nationally or locally. The AP (which provides most of America's news with articles) and CNN aren't really the best places to go for unbiased or balanced reporting. Really everyone is biased in some way so to combat that I should check out sources from all sides. For example, The Huffington Post would be a great place to start. I've been hesitant mostly because it's more a liberal blog, and I don't like ranting. That's nothing against liberals. Just as much as liberal bloggists pontificate about the gay-marriage, the evils of Bush, and how those extremist, red-neck conservatives are ruining this country, the conservative blogs clamor about gun control, abortion, and how those elitist, liberal hippies are ruining this country. Getting into politics would be a whole other post, but basically both sides have their crazies on the soap box and I hate ranting in my news.

«That puts you in a pickle then.»

Not really. There are enough news sources out there that I can get a great variety and filter what I get to avoid the rants. I just need to be more diligent about it. It's something else to think about and work on.
(Actually that xkcd comic I linked to had some good sites that I need to try. ☺)